This is one of those posts I'm not exactly positive how to start. I've been praying about it and lots of things have come to mind, it's just a matter of ordering my thoughts. Please hang with me, it might be a bit long.
On Saturday, Aaron and I found out that the local leaders of our denomination had decided not to renew Aaron's license as a pastor in the church. There's lots of technical stuff that I won't bore you with, but basically he was given the choice to start the 4 yr ordination licensing process over again for the 3rd time (you can read a little bit about that here, here, here, andhere.) or do nothing. After much prayer and discussion, we've decided that we'll be stepping away from ministry all together and not starting the licensing process over at this time. We've purposed to be intentional in praying for God's will in our life. We've been praying that God would open and close doors for us, whether that be in ministry, for moving, for our girls, for pretty much everything. Our desire is that God's will is accomplished in and through our lives. But, we've been praying this within the scope of our daily lives. We knew that we're coming up on big decisions about moving, and Emmy starting school, and we've been praying for God to lead us into a (non bivocational) full time ministry position. When we prayed for God to open and close doors in ministry, we never dreamed that it would be moving us out of ministry completely. I must admit that over the last few days I've swung on the pendulum of emotion. I've been angry, and sad, and felt betrayed. I've grieved for my husband, and I've grieved for our vocational ministry. But, I've also rejoiced in the fact that I trust in a God who has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. As we sat down to sort through all of our emotions and refocus our prayers, an over arching theme started to present itself to us- freedom. Not freedom in the sense of we're escaping from something bad, but that for the first time since we've been married, we're not tied to a full time ministry position or the requirements of ordination in the church. We don't have to be here or there for any specific purpose unless the Lord leads us. And right now, that "freedom" has lead us to the decision to relocate. We knew that we were moving anyways, but now our scope is just currently a little different. We're working on a very fast timeline, about 70ish days, but we're hoping to make a move in late May up to northern Indiana/northwest Ohio. It's something that we've talked about for a very long time, but until now, we've been tied to our obligations here through church. It hasn't been an easy decision though, as it would be moving away from what we've known. Living here in Indy is all my girls know. We have family here, we love the church we attend. The members have become extended family. And it's hard making a move to what seems to be nothing. No friends, no church, right now no job, no home. But we know that God is faithful. We've learned by now that our ways are not God's ways, so we're confident in the fact that if this change doesn't happen in "our" timeline, remaining here in Indy is ok too- it's our work in progress plan B. And we know that God is not done with us. As we were laying in bed a few nights ago, Aaron knew I was battling sadness and frustration. He grabbed my hand and reminded me that ministry isn't limited to a full time position. It isn't a title that someone has. It's an attitude of the heart. And we can do it anywhere, at any time. I know that. In my heart of hearts I know that. But, it doesn't change the little bit of a painful ache I have over knowing that right now, our life in full time (bi)vocational ministry is on hold indefinitely. But, I know the calling that God has placed on our lives. I know and experience daily the passion Aaron has for teenagers coming to know the Lord. I trust God's character. Even right now when I feel broken and we're being emptied. Because I know that God is working all things together for his good. For his purposes. We would appreciate your prayers during this time of transition. We'd appreciate understanding in our moments of grief. We hope that you can rejoice with us as we start this new chapter of our lives. I'll be blogging as I can and want to be able to continue to share how God's revealing himself to us. I love you guys and pray for you daily. Thank you for all the love and support you've given over the last 2 years!
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Months ago, my Pastor, said something during one of his messages that instantly struck me. In fact, on the way home from church I created a pin with the phrase. But, at the time it was one of those phrases that seemed wise and insightful, but it didn't necessarily apply to my life. Now, 8 months later, it's a phrase that's defining my life. But we'll come back to that. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.- Romans 8:28 NLT I don't feel much purpose right now. I'm a wife. A mother. Sometimes I'm a blogger. There is purpose in that. Endless purpose. But I know that God has also given me gifts and talents that are to be used outside my home and this computer screen. I know my calling. But right now, my calling feels like a deflated balloon. To refrain from being too cliche, purpose is the wind to the callings' sail and this ship is heading nowhere fast. But the truth remains. However far away I feel from my purpose, I know that the things God is leading me to and through, and away from are not meant to hurt me. Does this mean I won't feel pain? No, absolutely not. But they will not lead me to ruin. There's a difference. Pain and ruin are two very different things. And some days I forget that. The disciples thought God led Jesus to ruin by leading him to death on the cross. But, God proved otherwise. Jesus' pain didn't lead to ruin, it led to life. Now back to that phrase... The selfish side of me is tired of giving. I'm tired of giving the things God is asking for. I'm tired of walking face first into the doors he's closed. But then I'm reminded of the fact that this is what I prayed for. I prayed to become more like Christ. I've prayed to become the reflection of Jesus. That means giving. That means trusting even when things don't make sense. That means knowing that God works things together for good because he loves me. The doors he's closing, the things he's taking, the empty places he's leaving behind-
They really ARE meant to make me more like him. They really ARE meant to lead me farther down the path towards good. They really ARE meant to fill me with his purposes. They really ARE meant to lead me toward life. If you are like me, you confuse pain with ruin but you might also confuse emptiness with nothingness. Doors closing, paths changing, forking, losing what's important to you- that's not nothingness. That's emptiness. That's not ruin. That's God making room for more of himself. We have to be empty before we can be filled with His purpose. Our purposes may seem good, and right, and righteous, and valiant. And that's why losing them can be so hard. But this is when I trust that losing what I hold onto means that God is bringing about his best. Even if that means pain. Even if it means having empty hands. So, right now, I'm learning to be thankful for pain. For emptiness. Because God is not leading me to nothingness and ruin. He's leading me to purpose and life. Hopefully, in 60 years I'll be sitting on my (wrap around) front porch rocking on my rocker, reflecting on my walk with the Lord and I'll think of this time in my life as when God pulled the plug on the drain of my purposes. And I'm confident in the fact that it will be a pleasant thought. Yes, I might remember the pain, but I'll be quickly blinded by the memories of good as well. I'm remember the emptiness, but immediately recall being filled with his purpose. I'm excited for that day. At some point in our first weeks of counseling, our marriage counselor listened to my words, and hearing the emotions they were laced with and the struggle I was experiencing, explained to me that for women, an emotional affair is similar to a pornography addiction in men. It fulfills a woman's emotional need for love while pornography fulfills a man's sexual desires. But they are equally an entrapment. He said medical tests have shown that the chemicals released in the brain during an affair are similar to that of a cocaine addict during a binge. And there is a similar detox time for your brain and your body. 30-45 days. You physically cannot think/feel/act free of the effects of those chemicals for up to 45 days.
Now, I'm not putting this out there to excuse my decisions or behaviors. But to say that this is no joke. It's a dangerous thing. It's an addiction. Being emotionally fulfilled was my drug. Just because it's not something I drink, smoke, or shoot up doesn't mean it's not equally as powerful. And in truth, it is something Satan will use the rest of my life. I'll explain a little bit more about some of the realizations I had about this in Part 3, but right now I'll pick back up where I left off. The month of November was hard for me. I lived in a torn state. I wasn't ready to give up on the affair because I had put so much of myself into it. I craved the attention and the emotional high of it. But, I didn't want to give up on my marriage because I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. I knew that I needed to surround myself with a select few people who l knew would love me but be honest with me. I needed accountability. But, it didn't take long before I was back into the regular habits and patterns of hiding and lying to most of them. On December 4th of last year, Aaron came home in a rage. He had found out again that I'd been lying about the situation and had finally had enough. He told me that he loved me and he wanted to make our marriage work, but my choices were making it impossible to do that. He went upstairs, packed himself a bag, and packed a bag for our girls and told me it was time to make a choice. I was either going to continue down the path I was on or I was going to choose to do what I knew was right. If I chose my current path, he was taking the girls and leaving. At first I was totally enraged. And indignant. In fact, I left. I got in the van and I drove to a CVS parking lot down the street and sat there and cried for over an hour. I knew it was time. I was at a fork in a road and the choice I made would determine what direction my life would take. But, ultimately, my decision to go home was 100% for my girls. It really had nothing to do with Aaron. I came home, sat down with Aaron and let him set ground rules for how our relationship would proceed. I cut off all forms of communication with the other guy. Then I went to bed. I woke up the next morning and I felt a physical relief. It literally felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. But I still felt like a shell of myself. A rock hard shell. Yes, I cried. Yes, I hurt. Yes, I felt things. But I was so used to experiencing God in such a deep emotional way that I couldn't make sense of the fact that I felt almost nothing regarding the choices I'd made. I felt almost nothing towards to state of my marriage. And most of all, I just agreed to stay married to a man that I felt nothing for. It was a few days later when I got some advice from one of those trusted people that really changed my life. The words themselves didn't change my life, the carrying out of the words changed my life. It's not about how you feel. It's about what's right. And the right thing is doing the things you don't feel like doing sometimes. Aaron and I decided from that point on we were going to do the hard things. The things we'd been avoiding, the things we didn't want to do, because we knew it was what we needed to do. God intervened in our life and relationship in so many ways during that time it's almost laughable now. During this time, Aaron was in the process of transitioning jobs from his old job to the post office. It ended up, because of the holiday's and his training schedule, he was home with us for almost the whole month of December. It gave us the opportunity to spend almost every minute together. It was like God dropped us into the middle of relationship boot camp. God led me to a bible study I did with a friend, and later with our women's group from church, and it addressed almost each and every issue I went into the affair with. And still I prayed. I prayed that I could understand my sin. I could understand my consequences. That I could grasp the chain reaction for potential generations that was put in motion by the decision I'd made. I wanted to feel guilt. I needed to feel shame. I wanted to feel anything really. I expected self loathing. Any self respecting person should right? I mean, I'm a christian- a Pastor's wife for crying out loud. I should be wearing sack cloth and rubbing ashes on my face. I wanted to wear around a Scarlet A. And in many ways I felt like I was. I'd walk through the grocery store and think... "man, if that person only knew what was going on in my life and what I've done". I sometimes felt like there was a sign hanging above my head. A flashing neon sign that labeled me. I expected everyone to judge me harshly. I knew that's what I deserved. Mid January I learned an old word. A word that I'd thrown around for years but never understood. That word was grace. And grace changes everything. To be continued... A year ago I was in a fight for my life. Not my physical life, but my spiritual life. And my marriage. If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you might have seen me mention the road of healing and redemption Aaron and I have been traveling over the last year. Today I'd like to dive into that a little more. This might be a little long, so hang with me. I'll be doing this in a few parts. This is part 1.
A little over a year ago I joined an online weight loss community looking for some support and validation in my weight loss struggles. I found a great group of loving caring people who understood me and understood the struggles I was having losing weight. I was successful at losing about 20 lbs, doing my first 5k, and choosing an overall healthier lifestyle. I also found someone who was willing to be what Aaron was not being (or more less someone I wasn't letting him be) to me and for me. I spent about 8 weeks involved in a full blown emotional affair. Towards the end, I had pretty much made up my mind that the best option for me was to leave Aaron and start over fresh. Possibly with this new guy, but even being on my own sounded like a better option then staying in my current situation. Aaron and I couldn't hardly be in the same room together. We were polite to each other (at best) in public and at home it was pretty much no holds barred. When we were even home together. Aaron stayed at work most of the time to stay away from my angry bitterness. And I preferred it that way because I didn't have to deal with all the issues between us. My girls did not escape the drama and we had a constant battle with their behavior on our hands. Which only compounded the stress we were feeling. And let's not forget that we were still serving in full time bivocational ministry. Aaron was youth pastoring and we were very involved at our church. WHAT?! A pastor's wife had an affair? Yes. And it happens more often than you think. How could this happen!? Those that knew me well and knew about my affair asked me that question immediately. Now, after a year with 20/20 hindsight, here is my answer. It's a slow fade. (Yes, I'm referring to the Casting Crowns song) You don't jump into full blown sin patterns overnight. I didn't wake up one morning and say... oh, today I feel like being adulterous. It took time. It took lots and lots of me believing lies that Satan fed me and lies I fed to myself- I deserve better. I should be happy. Everyone else has a better life than me. Everyone else has a husband who adores them. I should too. Why not choose someone who makes me happy. The grass is greener where you water it, but there's gotta be grass to water. If there was a lie to be told, I told it to myself. And I believed every word. Past hurts and failures in our marriage created a wall that seemed insurmountable. So, I stopped choosing to try and climb it. I slowly shut myself off to Aaron in almost every way possible. We stopped being intimate. In fact, I slept on the couch most of the time. We stopped spending time together- why would we. We could hardly stand each other. We pretty much stopped talking unless it involved money or the girls and even that turned into an argument. And every day, the selfishness, bitterness, and anger grew and rooted itself deeper and deeper slowly pushing God out. Things started very innocently. Encouraging emails. Texts here and there. Rationalizations. Something inside me was being fed. A need to be loved was being met. Then starts the denial. Then the hiding. Then the lies. Eventually, I was lying to everyone I loved. I was living 2 lives. Eventually, the lies caught up with me and Aaron found out. That day he stepped down from his position as youth pastor at our church. The next week we started going to counseling. I'd like the say that it was all sunshine and roses from there. But. It was hell. It wasn't like I woke up the morning after things came crashing down and I found myself madly in love with the man I could hardly bring myself to look at. No, he was still that same man and I was still the same hardened shell of a person. But every day we took a step forward. With help from our marriage counselor we made a rule that we talked first, apologized later. (I don't advocate this rule for everyone, but it worked well for us). We started communicating (for the first time ever really) and we started sharing with each other things we'd never shared before. We decided to do the hard stuff. Things we didn't feel like doing. But we did them anyways. And guess what? It still wasn't roses. When you've calloused yourself to God- to his presence in your life, to hearing his voice, it's not a switch you can flip and all the sudden you're back to this deep loving relationship with him (at least not for me) . I'd created such a wall between God and I that I felt nothing of him. I heard nothing of him. I just chose to believe he was there. And I prayed like I'd never prayed before. Even though I felt like he wasn't there, even though I felt like he wasn't hearing me. I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed. I prayed that I would know the weight of my sin. I prayed that God would restore me. I prayed that God would restore my marriage. And eventually I prayed that he would restore our ministry. But, emotional affairs are like a drug. A drug addiction. An addiction you can't just walk away from. To Be Continued... We're in the process of redoing our living room. It's going to be a very S-L-O-W process. We just painted it from a cream color to a nice new color called Swanky Grey. I love the color. I just don't like that my furniture doesn't match the color and I don't have the perfect stuff to hang on my walls. We're planning on putting some new furniture in layaway and paying on it as we can with hopes that sometime in 2013 we'll be able to enjoy new furniture! As for the perfect stuff to hang on the walls, well, that'll take some time too. I'm having a hard time coming up with a "vision" for this room.
For those who know me well, you know that I don't exercise the virtue of patience well or often. I'd say it's honestly probably one of my biggest struggles. And it's funny how it affects every area of my life. Ususally people think of patience having to do with a traffic back up or waiting for a birthday or holiday to come. But for me, it directly affects my level of contentment. I've struggled with feeling that what I want and what I think my family should have hasn't come fast enough or at all; therefore, destroying my contentedness. Which in turn, has allowed me to justify my anger and resentment. My living room as become and outward picture of my life. Or at least it will be. I will choose to be content with slow progress or no progress at all. I'll be content with change as it happens, not as I make it happen. And I will choose to be content with my circumstances and surrroundings even if they don't match as I think they should. It's been a while. A long while.
The truth is sin consumes. It consumes your your mind, your strength, your engergy, your time. I've been consumed. And I didn't want to take the time to put truth out there through this blog because #1 I wasn't believing it myself and #2 I wasn't living it. I could sin, but I would not be a hypocrite. Funny how even though you have good intentions, it doesn't always happen that way. The Lord is redeeming me. My marriage. My children. My life. I would like to share that redemption with you. Some of it. Someday I will be able to lay out my story for you candidly. My goal has been to always be open and honest with you through this blog and I will aim to continue that and be transparent as possible but protect the hearts of those whom I love. Today is supposed to be My Favorites Friday, but quite frankly, this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. For those of you who have followed my blog for a while and have read My Wilderness Story, you might be hard pressed to believe me. But I am in the desert again. No, that's not true- I'm actually standing in my kitchen. But, my soul has been dry. There will be no favorites this Friday. But there will be brokeness. There will be forgivness. There will be healing. And there will be redemption. I hope you will stick with me through this time. I'll be here on Monday and I hope you will be too! Well, my desert story is finished. Last week brought us to the current time and there's nothing else to really update about so I'll have to come up with something else to post about... "Thinking this morning about how gratitude should be my FIRST RESPONSE to situations. My thoughts should not default to the negative and THEN find something to be thankful for in it. Retraining our minds to be thankful in all things is an intentional and repetative act."- Lisa Bruno* This is a facebook status that I read earlier this week that REALLY resounded with me. I've been thinking alot about the fact that thankfulness isn't normally my first response. My first response is to worry and stress, and then I have to remind myself to be thankful and greatful. So, I'm on a mission to retrain my mind towards thankfulness. So, now I'm wondering exactly how to do this. As much as I would like to think there is a magic switch to flip that would suddenly make me a more thankful person, I've learned the lesson that normally there aren't short cuts. It's work. Just like my training for my 5k, we have to constantly MAKE ourselves think thankful thoughts. Just like Lisa said, It's "intentional and repetative". In Phillippians 4:8 it says... Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy —think about such things. It doesn't say "Ask God and he will make you think about such things" or "Pray this specific prayer and you will automatically think such things". It says "Think such things". Action words if I've ever heard them. Ok, so I need to be purposeful about being thankful. I need to seek out things to be thankful for and thankful about. Ok, so also, in Colossians 2:6-7 it says.... So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. To me, this means that thankfulness isn't an island unto itself. You can't have thankfulness that is overflowing and a heart that harbors sin. You can't have abounding thankfulness and a shallow relationship with God. It means my relationship with God needs to be "rooted and built up in Him" and "strengthened in faith" as well. So, I need to train my mind towards thankfulness by focusing my mind on thankful thoughts and keep leading myself in that direction. I also need to continue to seek God and work towards a deeper relationship with Him. And I also need to find strength in the faith I've been given. Sounds simple, right? Like I said, there's no short cuts, and God never promised becoming more like Him would easy, He just asked us to trust Him that He knows best. And since He knows best and He commanded me to be more like Him, that's what I'm going to strive to do. *Lisa Bruno is one of my former English teachers in high school. And Drama Club Faculty Sponsor. And play director. She's currently living in China where she teaches English to Chinese and Chinese to English! (Shew! That makes my mind tired just typing that!)
For the rest of this story, see here, here, and here. Part 4 is the last part of our story. It brings us to the current time. (it's a little long)
In June of 2011, some of the leadership on the Indianapolis District changed. Almost immediately, Aaron contacted our new District Superintendant and scheduled a meeting with him. They had breakfast and our new DS, Dr. Blake, laid out a pretty clear plan of action for Aaron. Some of it was things he was already doing but Dr. Blake added a few more things he wanted Aaron to do so he would be ready for his next interview with the credentials board. For the last year Aaron's been faithfully fullfilling Dr. Blake's request and following his plan of action. Knowing that the meeting was getting closer we formulated a plan. We had already decided that if the outcome of this meeting was not favorable, Aaron would probably step away from ministry and would continue to persue something else. We discussed him going back to school and getting another degree that wasn't ministry related so he could get a better secular job. I knew that Aaron was in a better place than he'd ever been, and so was I, and our marriage too. We'd grown so much over the last few years. Walking through the wilderness together had changed our relationship. I often tell myself, if we made it through all that craziness, there isn't anything we can't walk through together. Knowing all this, I struggled with our decision. I didn't feel like the Lord was finished with us in youth ministry yet. The Lord led us down this path for a reason and giving up just seemed like defeat. But, we'd agreed that even if God's path didn't lead to full time ministry we were still willing to be used in other area's of ministry. In early May of this year, Aaron recieved an email asking him to pick a time to have his meeting. We agreed on a time and just started praying. I prayed specifically that if we had to go through all this again, that God would just give us the words to tell our story clearly, concisely, and in an unbiased way. The meeting was scheduled for June 2nd at 10 am. For the few days leading up to the meeting, it seemed like all we could talk about. We were anxious to just get it over with. I'm so thankful that during this time we were surrounded by many people that were so encouraging to us and that prayed for us. On Sat, June 2nd, we got up, got ready and headed to the meeting. I can honestly say, this day was probably one of the biggest days in the life or our ministry so far, but even still, we were both at peace. Answer to prayer #1. We'd been praying that we'd be excepting of what God's will for our life was. We pulled into the parking lot at the church, prayed together in the car briefly and headed in. We waited for a few mins and then they called us in. We met with 5 Pastors from Nazarene Churches in the Indianapolis area. Answered Prayer #2. Aaron and I were so much more comfortable infront of 5 pastors instead of the whole board, which is like 15 or 20 pastors. We sat down with them and they asked us the basic cursory questions- name, tell about ourselves and our family, etc. They asked Aaron a few questions about where he wanted to head in ministry, and then they prayed with us and told us the meeting was over. I didn't want to seem too obvious but I glanced over at Aaron like... wait, they missed something. We shook thier hands and walked out of the room. I. WAS. STUNNED. Not one single word was breathed about what had happened in North Dakota. We later found out that all the pastors on the advisory board new all the circumstances of our story and they decided that it wasn't worth Aaron rehashing. Answer to prayer #3 (a prayer we didn't even pray). We basically floated out of the church. Even though we didn't know the outcome, just the fact that God carried us through that meeting so effortlessly, we were elated and basically in shock. For the next few days we waited in anticipation. We tried to pull bits of information from other pastors that might have known the "verdict" but we got nothing. We prayed for patience. On Mon night, Aaron got online to check his email and this is what was waiting for him... Dear Aaron, It was a joy to have you interview with us this past weekend! I am honored to report to you that the Indianapolis District Board of Ministry has made a recommendation to the District Assembly for granting of your first district license. We may or may not have done a happy dance that was a few years coming. Thank You, Lord! The monkey was gone. I'm smart enough to know that our story is not over. It will never be over. God led us down this road for a reason. We had these experiences for a reason and even though I may never know what those reasons are there was a purpose behind all of this. As I've been sharing this story over the last month, I've had alot of people tell me... What a testimony! I guess I've never really looked at it that way. Up until last month, it was just part of our life. It was never something I considered sharing with anyone as something for God to use. If I had sat down with God over Starbucks in October of 2008 and he showed me the path we were about to embark on I would have laughed and walked away. But I'm so thankful that even through all the pain, anger, frustration, hopelessness, fear, you name it, God was faithful to us. Even when I didn't want to see it and even when I couldn't see it, God was there. Aaron will formally recieve his License in a special service on July 29th. It will be a day of much celebrating! It wouldn't seem right for me to tell this story and conclude it without thanking Aaron. I was somewhat of an innocent bystander in this story and yet I have acted like a victim over and over again. He's been patient with me, reassuring me even when I'm sure he didn't believe his assurances himself. He's been steadfast in working towards getting his license back and I'm thankful for his faithfulness. I know that He's questioned exactly what God was/is doing with his ministry but he never let it shake his faith. I love you, Aaron. I'm proud of you and how far you've come. I'm excited to be able to walk this road with you and just as I'll be standing next to you when you recieve that new license on July 29th, I'm excited to be standing next to you in ministry, now and for many years to come! Part 3 is hard to write. It's hard to capsulize 3 years into 1 post. It might be a tad long... A week after Aaron's meeting, we got an official letter in the mail confirming what we already knew. They had chosen not to renew Aaron's license. We didn't talk about it again for a long time. Emmy came at the end of May and gave me a new purpose and a new focus. I didn't allow myself the time to think about where we'd come from. I decided I could only look at what was ahead. There was too much pain in looking back. Aaron's job was going well. Better than we'd expected actually. Our little apartment was home. We were attending a new church with a lot of people our age. New friends. Our friends Kara and Landon, that I mentioned in my last post, were attending this church as well. Landon was on staff there as Administrative Pastor. Before we left for North Dakota, Landon and Kara had shared with us that they felt called to plant a church in the town Landon grew up in, Fishers, Indiana. We thought that sounded great, but just not for us. We'd been praying for thier efforts but chose to go a different way. Now that our paths were crossing again, Aaron and I felt like the Lord was leading us to join Kara and Landon on the Lauch Team for this new church. Would I even dare entertain the thought that Aaron could lead the youth ministry? We were so far removed from that, it seemed nonsensical to even think about. Yet, Aaron seemed resiliant. He'd been meeting with the Pastor regularly and decided that he wanted to start pursuing his license again. The Pastor presented it to the church board in the spring of 2010 and they voted to grant him his local license. (More church talk. It's 1 step below the license he lost). Over the next year, more people jumped on board with the church plant, we had meetings, made plans, raised money. Each step that moved us closer to the launch of the church squeezed my heart tighter and tighter. Would Aaron even want to take on the youth group? Would Landon consider letting him? If so, can we even do this? Should we do this? I mean, as far as I was concerned we were damaged goods, didn't everyone else see us that way too? In the Spring of 2011 we had a launch team meeting. During this meeting, we decided we wanted to nail down specific ministires we wanted up and running when we launched and assign ministry heads. I remember sitting in the meeting holding my breathe. Then it happened. Aaron volunteered to lead the teens. I sat there waiting for the objections, but nothing. Maybe we weren't as damaged as I thought. My heart soared. It was healing for me to know that other people had faith in my husband. In the spring of 2011, we were getting ready to welcome our 2nd daughter, Macie. Things were going great with Fishers Point, Aaron's job was going well, we'd moved out of our beloved little apartment into a larger townhouse. Aaron had been serving with his local license for a year and was preparing for a meeting with the credentials board here in Indy. He was ready to interview with them to try and get his district license back. Two weeks before the meeting, Aaron recieved an email saying that there was a plan that needed to be put in place, things that needed to be done before he could interview with the credentials board. When we receieved the email, we knew there was no way any of it could be done before the meeting. Again, I felt like we were in a bit of a tailspin. For 2 years, we'd been followed around by this so called monkey. He was always on our backs. Aaron was tired of explaining, reexplaining, and even just talking about those first painful weeks. He'd rediscovered his call and purpose in ministry and just wanted to get on with it. But, God had other plans. So, we went on with the process of waiting.... Part 4 will be the end of the story. No, not the end, we'll just come to the current time. The experiences Aaron and I have had have shaped us, our family, our ministry, but mostly- it's shaped our faith.
I want to take a minute and brag a little bit on our church family. We talk a lot at our church (now named Fishers Point Community Church) how we're a family and how we're a healing church. We get people who are at the lowest point of thier life. They're tired, battered, angry, hurt, run down. We love to just put our arms around them and love on them and show them Jesus as much as we can. I think we're probably so good at this because we all have been in the same position at one time. Before we ever set up a single folding chair in that school gym, or sang a worship song, or served a cup of coffee and a muffin, God knew that Aaron and I needed these people. He knew how deeply we were hurt and He led us to a group of people who loved us more deeply. He led us to a group of people who walked beside us, who held us up, who had faith in us. Wherever this road leads us, whatever else God might have for us in the future, I'll be forever grateful to our church family. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. Most of what I remember is snow. Lots of snow. We found out in late January we were having a girl. We already had a name chosen. Emerson Sharon. Some days she was all that kept me going. I'd stopped asking God for answers. I stopped looking for Him. As far as I was concerned this is what it felt like to be forsaken by God. In my head I knew we weren't, but I chose to believe what my heart was feeling, and that was fear. And anger. This is NOT how my life was supposed to be. This was not the plan.
The last week of February, Aaron got a call for an interview in Indianapolis. He had been applying for jobs in the area we were in in Ohio, near my family in Detroit, and back near his family and our friends in Indy. The call came at 6pm. I refused to have any hope. This wasn't the first interview he'd had and none of those has worked out, so why would this one. They asked if he could come to interview the next day. Eek! We didn't want to turn down the interview, but we were almost 3 hours away. The only thing we could think of was to call up our friends Kara and Landon and ask if we came late that night if they'd put us up for the night so Aaron could go to the interview. They agreed so we packed up and headed out. Aaron interviewed at 10 am. The interview lasted about a half hour then it was done. We grabbed some lunch and hit the road back to Ohio. We'd been on the road for about a half hour when his phone rang. He answered. 10 mins later he hung up his phone with a job. One we knew very little about and one that made very little pay. For the first time in a very long time, I felt a shred of hope. Instead of driving back to Ohio, we called Kara and Landon back and asked if we could stay a few days longer. We searched and searched for an apartment, and 3 days later (with a lot of $$$ from my parents) we had an apartment. We moved from Ohio to Indy the first weekend of March. All of our stuff got moved in with help from so many people, some we hardly knew. That night after all the furniture and boxes were moved in, we closed the door after everyone left and I sat in the bathroom and cried. Maybe God hadn't forsaken us. A month later, we were getting much closer to Emmy coming. Aaron's job was going well, and we'd started attending a new church. In the midst of all the pain, anger, grieft, and fear, I was starting to come back to life little by little. Then Aaron got a phone call. Something we'd never thought of..... Aaron had to meet with the advisory board to renew his ministry license for the next year. And they wanted to talk about the accusations that had been made in North Dakota. That little flame of hope that had been flickering inside me was instantly snuffed out. We went to the meeting a few weeks later. I watched as Aaron walked into the classroom with all those other Pastors to try and defend himself. I wanted to pray but God just seemed too far. At that point, I decided I'd just depend on the prayers of others. I sat on the floor in the hallway and waited until Aaron was done. We drove home in silence. Aaron already knew the outcome and by his silence, so did I. As far as the Church of the Nazarene was concerned, Aaron was no longer a pastor. The plan we'd made for our life, the future we'd hoped and dreamed about was suddenly taken away in a few short minutes. In the middle of the largest city in the state of Indiana, I found myself wandering through the wilderness. Again. |
HEY, I'M JESSICA!
Christian. Wife. Mommy. Daughter. Pastor. Friend. Saved.Redeemed. Beloved.
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